don't know why i decided to blog suddenly. maybe i just wanna waste some time until my tv show starts. i realise that recently i always feel so tired, but i just refuse to sleep. its like i've got so many things to do, and i just don't wanna waste any time sleeping.

really wanna start meeting with friends, i think i've lost contact with many. i think its sad that i barely make an effort to organise an outing. don't know whats wrong with me. i keep saying but i don't do anything to honour my words. oh no, how i despise that. i'm not sure if its because i'm afraid of rejection, especially when i put in lots of effort to plan something. and i guess i keep thinking that people wouldn't want to meet with me anyway. argh, where the fuck did my confidence go?

honestly, i think as i grow older, i've become a much more hateful person. i've always thought i was nice enough, friendly enough, but its been proven time and time again that i'm not. sometimes i really hate what i've become. i hope i can really change cause this is really frustrating me.

and the fact that all arnd me, friends are hooking up puts me in an irritable mood. opportunities have presented themselves in front of me, but i always run away. what exactly am i looking for? why do i keep looking for the perfect guy when clearly i know, he doesn't exist. why do i always contradict myself? why must i hurt others? what the hell is wrong with me? maybe i'm mental, why do i tire of others so easily, why can't i be like others? i detest myself.

really looking forward to uni where i can make a fresh start. i wanna change. wanna be hardworking, outgoing, nice and well, overall a much better person than i am now. this time, i will do well, i'll make myself proud. and i really fucking pray that i keep this promise.